Whatever. Anyhoo, as I said we gathered behind the closest dumpster which was conveniently across the street from Handlebar J's, where they play BOTH kinds of music- cuntry and western. It seems that Scottsdalians don't like to walk far to throw stuff away. It was a nice dumpster too, nicer than my last apartment but smelled just like it. The lovely WD30 gathered our money, a stout 5-spot from each of us, then the hares talked chalk and left with the loot. In consolation we were left with a 30 pack of amber nectar which quckly became a zero pack since it was a warm day. Victor Victoria and B-Flat started talking that funny foreigner talk they do and everyone nodded and laughed just to be polite. The guys turned their attention to the several fresh female faces that were there. Three new boots: Just Amber, Just Pam, and Just Tracy joined us, along with the surprise reappearance of our long lost Bush Straddler. (Welcome back honey!)

As we sat there giving the hares what turned into a 25 minute head(!) start, three guys walked up to us and asked the location of a baseball equipment store. In unison we gave the hasher salute (shoulder shrug w/deer-in-the- headlights look) told them we were down on our luck and asked if they had any spare change they could give us.

Minutes later, the walkers were off. Minutes after that, the runners were off. We immediately crossed Scottsdale Rd. and ran through a strip mall. Ironically, the trail went right by the baseball store those guys were looking for. Too bad for them I guess. Maybe they should have given us a few bucks, those cheap bastards. As we jumped the fence at the back of the strip mall, we saw the walkers. This would be the first of a total of two walker sightings. Off we went, solving check after check for miles and miles in the hot hot sun. Sweating and crying and dying for a beer... As the trail went into an alley, a few of the runners decided to stay on the street and ran parallel to the alley. The barking dogs told them where the rest of the pack were, so they knew their shortcut was a good one. It was- it led us to *TA-DA!* the first beer near. At Ernie's on Shea. We stumbled in and were greeted by the hares with ice cold amber nectar. Good move on their part. The runners conversed and stuff and that there and what not as we waited for the walkers to arrive. Luuger threw Nordy a ten-spot with instructions to make sure that it was used to buy beer for the walkers, then sashayed out the door with co-hare Heiferfearzen to continue in their hare-y-ness.

Five to ten minutes later in walked Little Pink all alone with a sizeable cloud of smoke rising from her head. She was livid that the hares were conducting a warm weather Death March(TM) without the express written permission of Little Pink Head Cheese, etc. Holdings LLC which hold exclusive rights to the Death March(TM) moniker. She proceeded to furiously dial her cell phone to contact her corporate legal team. She was then given money for a beer and soon after
decided to drop all charges. The rest of the walkers (TROTW) arrived shortly after, about the time when the runners headed out. Victor Victoria was the FRB for most of the second leg, shouting instructions in that Canadian funny talk that no one could understand. So everyone nodded and laughed just to be polite. The trail took us by a group of young proto hashers, who were eager to help us find beer but had to be home by 9:00 or their moms would kill them. Nice to see the future of the country is in good hands. We traipsed onto the grounds of Chapparal High School, where the hares obviously painted themselves into a corner. Since there was no escape, they jumped the fence. And so did we. A short trot down a canal brought us to the second BN, deep in the bush. At the BN, Deet Throat loudly announced that she had urgent bodily needs that needed to be addressed. Unfortunately these needs involved food and ...uh... what happens to food when it is no longer needed by the body. After this announcement, we all moved *slowly* away. She then began peeking over fences to find a solution to one or both of her dilemmas. Heifer told us that they were running low on flour
(no sh*t!) and Luuger added that they had three bags back in the car. Good planning, guys. After Luuger (shamelessly carrying electronics on trail) contacted the walkers by phone to "tell them where to go", he and Heifer pranced off to lay trail once again, this time hand in hand. Actually, it was quite sweet ...in a blatantly homosexual can-I-share- your-prison- bunk kind of way.

The rest of the trail took us northwerd through the mean streets of upper Snottsdale, where SUVs, 4x4 monster trucks, and breast implants roam freely. We passed through a Mormon Church (always a great place for a beer stop), where the hares apparently saw some guy possibly on mushrooms doing a altered states version of tai-chi, but he was gone before the runners got there. Too bad, we could have told him about a great place to get baseball equipment. We ended up at an equestrian park for the on-in, where Heifer had covered the hood of his car with post trail munchies. It was kinda like a steam table, except with oil and gas fumes instead of steam. The boiled fruit tray and tepid raw veggies were dee-lish.

Then, like a train wreck, the circle happened. Nordy did the usual visitors/returners/ virgins thang and Luuger did the usual trail crimes thang (yes, that trail TOTALLY was a crime). Circle was the typical stuff, but we did have two namings. An interview session helped us pick the names this time (a good technique we should use more often)...

"Just" Courtney told us of her early days in Colorado, and how she loved the mountains and the outdoors and so did a certain guy she new as a young girl and on a certain night long ago one thing led to another and... <picture a train going into a tunnel here> So she shall be know at the Hash now and forever more as: Mount'n Spread

"Just" Jessica told us of **many** incidences of her past. Apparently she is quite the wild child. One story in particular
caught our attention, Jessica decided to take a "serving" of some controlled substance (the kind that makes walls appear to melt) during a church youth group meeting at the minister's house. Nice. What's more, her Mom asked her to drive home. Why? Well, she was 15 years old and just about to get her driver's license and normally would have jumped at the chance to drive had she not been tripping like the black sheep of Jim Morrison's family. Or the tai-chi guy at the Mormon chruch. So she shall be know at the Hash now and forever more as: Hitter Holy

Also, Hitter Holy will be leaving us to move out of town to bigger and better things. We wish her the best of luck and hope she comes back to visit us soon.

Oh and by the way, yes, there was a beautiful Full Blue Moon.

Attendees:
Allofher Fist
B-Flat
Cum Again
Deet Throat
Heiferfearzen - Hare
Ima Luuuger - Hare
Little Pink
Mother Pucker
Mount'n Spread (formerly "Just" Courtney) named at circle
Nor-Dick
Victor Victoria
WD30
Wrong Number
"Just" Amber (redhead) - virgin brought by Owen
"Just" Pam (blond) - virgin brought by Owen
"Just" Tracy (Brunette w/ motorcycle) - virgin brought by WD30

...and guest starring
Bush Straddler

With special guest appearances by:
"Just" Maulik
and
Hitter Holy (formerly "Just" Jessica) named at circle

The Hash By the Numbers:

2.69 miles to first beer check at Ernie's
1.69 miles to second beer check in the deep dark bush
1.69 miles to on-in
.69 miles back to Handlebar J's

Budget:
$60 collected
------------ -
$45 spent by Hef on flour, ice, 18 Busch Lights & food.
$15 spent by Luuuger on towels for naming, ice and beer permit.
$35 spent at first beer stop for thirsty pack that Hef "volunteered"
us to pay for
50: Number of beers donated by Luuuger from his private collection
69: Number of times people bitched about the quality of the donated
beer (Bud Light, Miller Lite and Busch Light for the record)
------------ -
$95 total spent
$35 shortfall
spending more money than you collected at the hash? Priceless!

12: Number of "crappy" beers left over after hash

on-on!
--Nordy