The night was moist, like a harriette's sweet spot, but hare raiser Heiferfearzen managed to make it to the Hump location, Bridget's Last Laugh, early, looking to get a little pre-hump action. Hump d' Hash God, Ima Luuuger showed up in what looked like deep-discounted Goodwill wear, obviously too good for hashing. Next up was Just Jim, Mother Pucker and Out of Order along with Just Pamber (Pam & Amber), Just Tiffany, Mount 'n Spread, Victor Victoria and B Flat. As the hump crowd was growing the questions from the bar regulars began. "Who the fuck are you?" “No, he's not here, never seen him at a hump” was the reply. “We're hashers” declared another wanker. You should have seen the minimally toothed smiles that turned our way. Me thinks they were looking for handouts. Oh wait, that's just Sphinxter Swallows and Spongeworthy gracing us with their awe-inspiring presence.

As others showed up it was time for chalk talk to commence. Luuuger began the festivities, trying to stick to a very un-hashlike time table of his own device.  Hef cried "I'm Hare Raiser, don't I get to do this?" With disappointment in his eyes, power-hungry Luuuger handed the straws over to half-faded Hef who began handing them out. One by one the wanks drew long straws and introduced themsleves. Bush Yakker and Can't Cum on Saturday drew smiles as they saw their long straw. Allofher Fist started in with some excuse that she can't hare due to her choice of footwear, sandals. She conveniently left her running shoes at work in her new executive suite office. "Fuck that," exclaimed Hef, "that's your own damn fault, you're drawin'!" When all was said and done the short straw remained in Hef's hoof leaving him to doo the doody of chalk talk and haring the first leg (as opposed to his ever self-worshiped third leg).  With enthusiasm, Out Of Order (OOO), a Bridget's regular and neighborhood bum, volunteered to co-hare.

Somewhere around 7:10 p.m. the hares were off. (Pleasing Luuuger to no end as he checked his watch) Shortly thereafter the pack was away. OOO and Hef were making good time informing locals to deceive the pack into running down false trails. Down streets, around parks and through drainage pipes we laid trail. Spying a few pubescent boys, we decided to lay a boob check informing the two yootz that they should stick around for the upcoming show.

Just Amber, Just Tiffany and Mother Pucker promptly got lost in the dust of the speedy harriers and wandered around aimlessly (as hashers are want to do) until they bumped back into the trail.

As we're running down Union Hills we could hear whistles behind us. Couldn't tell if those were originating from hashers or from the boys dealing with visual sensory overload. "Was it Just Amy, Just Tiffany or Bush Straddler gracing them with the visual delight," I was thinking to myself. Turned out Can’t Cum on Saturday had saved the pack and pushed the boys straight into puberty. Just then we spotted the Candy Store and just knew this would be too much of a temptation for FRBs Victor Victoria and Bush Yakker to pass up. Boob check was laid but it was too late, V2 and BY already spotted the hares. V2 and BY took the flour pouch and made haste. Soon the rest of the pack showed up including late-cummers IKOG, Just Junko, Just Mari and a friend of Just Amy, Just Rod.

Five minutes later we were off again running across Union Hills like a pack of rabid wild dogs dodging horny commuters. Checking false trails through trailer parks and schools we ran, daring the hot and humid evening to slow us down. Just Jim and Mount 'n Spread caught up with the hares at a school baseball field. Can't Cum on Saturday and others decided to take up a friendly game of "make believe" baseball (just say no to drugs). Must have been the heat getting to them. Off again we were chasing the hares across fields and through a townhouse community only to be stopped by a 6 foot block wall. Hef, being the helpful bloke he is (and still trying to catch his breath from all the running in the freakin' heat) decided to help those in need with a boost over the wall. Finding ourselves on what can only be described as a mini branch-davidian compound, we made haste and death-marched it back to the bar, spurned to breakneck speeds in the fading heat by the FRB’s

Back at Bridget's everyone was enjoying a hearty feast when Luuuger, Hef and Allofher decided to interview two unnamed hashers in the interest of finding an inappropriate name for them. First up was “Just Jim”. Bush Straddler the un-official Head(!)Inquisitor of the HD’H, was sent to begin the interview process. "What's your most embarrassing moment?", "What do you do?" and “Who do you do it to?” were among the questions launched his way. It took a bit of prying to get him to say anything so one of his suggested names was Spit It Out. Pre Cum (He shows up 30 -40 minutes early to every hash) was also a group favorite. He also happens to be a PC/IT consultant so the initials worked out nicely. There were others, but the vile wretchedness of them would only damage your delicate sensibilities. Or is it just my beer addled brain just can’t remember!

“Just Amy” was next. She was a talkative one. We discovered her most memorable sexual experience was in the ocean in the Caribbean (or was that in a pool with a hasher from another hash?). She's also a pet sitter and we discovered a play on a street name she came up with at a previous hash. Names like Bench Warmer, H2 Hoe, $12 an hour, Bitch Sitter, Boys and Toys, Four on the Floor and My Clit Talks (a play on McClintock) were suggested.

The owner of Bridgets and the bartender became suspicious when they were asked for a few pitchers of water. "No worries" we said, "It's easy to get flour out of carpet." Outside the backdoor we placed said hashers on their knees in the gravel. Handfuls of flour were poured over the two wanks with Ima Luuuger proclaiming that “Just Jim” would be forever known as Pre Cum and “Just Amy” as My Clit Talks.  The few remaining hashers poured scalding hot water (left all day in Luuuger's car) over the two and enjoyed another beer and a round of red headed sluts, celebrating the naming of two new hashers.

Heiferfearzen
Head(!)Master
with a bit of help from Luuuger

We did great last week! Pack away at 7:15 and On-in at 8:15! Just under 5 miles…not too bad!
All in all, we had 22 humpers, 2 namings and 1 great time!