Phoenix HHH :: Hash Trash

Preface

This must be read as the voice of the man who does the NFL gridiron greats, if you don’t know who that is read it as the man who does the chunky soup commercials with NFL players, if you don’t know who that is, read it as the man who does the previews for scary movies, if you don’t know who that is read it as the commentater of the movie 300, if you don't know who that is f*ck you, read it as Mickey Mouse.

Friday

The Red Dress Gay-La Now, As the Phoenix Hash House Harriers left the comfort of their homes in order to take on the yearly red dress run of their neighbors to the Northwest, a new challenge showed its wretched face. The Phoenix H3 ran unknowingly into the category 4 storm known as… Hurricane Viva. The unrelenting storm started with a treacherous downpour that left the hash trudging through a deep flood in the dark ghetto in order to reach the first waterproof sanctuary of the art gallery. The only thing that could keep everyone from going insane was the filtration of the water into PBR and Sierra Nevada. However, with all those people locked into one place for that long only on thing could possibly set in…Cabin Fever. Everyone dressed in their Sunday best could only hold off the insanity for so long. It soon became time for the Phoenix H3 to assemble into super friends to fight the drenching beast that was outside the sanctuary. It was Victor Victoria that rallied the group of 15 and blew the door down in an effort the thwart the storm and catch the other villains known as BVDiva and her posse.

The posse left a wet white trail going in all directions to trick the Super Friends. The trail took the Friends back through the ghetto and toward the Stratosphere tower that could only be seen half way up due to the dense fog. Obviously created by mystical powers of BVDiva. The chase continued through the stratosphere casino where the security guard did not appreciate the adventure of the super friends. As the Super Friends found the first hide out of the desperados they found the remnants of what must have at one point been a keg of beer. The desperados must have had divine powers stolen from Jesus as the beer had been transformed into a full foam keg. This displeased the Super Friends and made their desire to catch BVDiva and her Posse elevate to a feverish pitch. The Friends turned to Victor Victoria once again who had been friends with the Diva before the betrayal. He conversed with B-Flat and decided that the friends should continue to follow the path and exclaimed that they would probably find the posse in one of the local gay bars.

The Badlands Saloon was the second hideout. This hideout was far from deserted as the local vermin were so disgusted their own gender that the sexiest men with full beards had decided to make out with each other. Other ‘man looking women’ were sucking face with each other as well. Although the Super Friends were finally able to find the posse in the hideout Beat By a Girl and Out of Order were tricked by the posse using the old “look a bird” mind control device. I F*cked My Sister and Use Her and Loser could have stopped the escape but they were distracted by a camera taking prom pictures. The disgusted Super Friends went out again to track down the desperados.

Taking off hot on the trail again the Super Friends came upon a third hideout known as the RAM ROD. The posse narrowly avoided being caught by I’m Kind Of Gay and My Clit Talks due to Clit fixing the lipstick of IKOG as the posse slipped behind them. The posse was also able to slip by My Name Is Chuck, Is it is yet?, Use Her and Loser, Mount N Spread, Happy Birthday F*ck You, Brown Eye Girl, All of Her Fist, B-Flat, Victor Victoria, and Out of Order as they all posed for pictures on a stage no bigger that a child’s building block. The distractions of Nudity and Dress shortening were too much for the Super Friends and the posse managed a 4th getaway.

The white trail took the Super Friends to a fourth hiding spot. This spot had few distractions other than the cars on the garage and a few coolers filled with small clear cups filled with a colorful gel. The gel was very tasty and with the influence of Pre-cum and “Just Andy”, the Super Friends were able to consume nearly two centuries worth.

The final hideout was known to be near the art gallery where the hunt had started. Thus the Super Friends went on a B-line toward the inevitable apprehension. My name is Chuck and Happy Birthday F*ck You had other plans. Deciding to head into the ghetto areas and solve other crimes the Dumbass Duo was not able to locate the final hideout. The assumption was made that the colorful gel was a memory / logic eraser, but it was later found out that the Duo were indeed just F*cking Dumbasses.

BVDiva and her posse were finally seized and the Super Friends celebrated with Lasagna and veggies. Of course the Dumbass Duo was irate because all of the food was gone when they got to the hideout (a good hour after everyone else). Other Super Friends walked them back so they could see the incredibly large pan of Lasagna sitting right in the middle of the table. The night finally ended in a Technicolor BLAST and the city was safe from the posse for the night.

Saturday

Marathon Runner Reductions Hash As the technicolor faded and the headaches set in, it was time for the Super Friends to lean forward and power into the heart of Hurricane Viva. Her howling cry had pumped the Super Friends’ heads so full of air they looked like a group of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloons. The new villains Martha F*cking Stewart and Have Sh*t / Will Travel escaped the grasp of the Super Friends and needed to be apprehended. The Super Friends had met many people that agreed to join them and be members of the alliance. Many from the alliance were skeptical of the importance of the capture due to the insurmountable odds of defeating their arch nemesis of Viva. The group found strength in the power of the whistle and took off to find the escaped villains.

The hunted had made a critical flaw in their escape plan, they had left another trail of white powder for the alliance to follow. They again tried to trick the alliance by sending them through wind tunnels that lead to a locked cage. Other trails sent them up steep, loose rock mountains to the doorstep plateau of Viva’s graveyard. Viva cursed the alliance by sending 60 mph winds toward them to knock them off the mountain. As members of the alliance leaned into the mouth of Viva (at a 30-40 degree angle on the mountainside) others ran down the plateau (at a 30-40 degree angle) toward the peak of the graveyard where the villains had escaped. Others went straight into the mouth of Viva in hopes of cutting off the villains at the pass. Those who chose the road of the peak were rewarded with 2 mini kegs of Heineken, one which was poisoned (busted open by a cactus) and one which was not. Knowing that the villains would be severely punished for the attempted murder of the alliance, Super Friends Is it in yet? and Mount N Spread were brave enough to bring the evidence back to show to the Justice League to deal out the punishment. The alliance members that jumped into the mouth of Viva’s death trap were (eventually) able to re-connect with the villain’s trail and were able to fight off Viva’s torture and piss her off for the original tracking members that followed. The brutality was ruthless as she tried to destroy the keg evidence and take it away from the brave Super Friends, but Viva was once again defeated by crushing grips and pure gallantry. The villains were found in the heart of Viva’s graveyard full of fire and lava. After a heroic battle with the alliance the villains were seized and brought fourth to the justice league.

The Justice League headed by Hunka Hunka Burning Shit handed out their punishment for the villains. Punishments were also given for new shoes, visitors, lost items, race-ists, FRB, DFL, the check back 6 club, and everything else that could possibly be punished for. Seconds before the final sentence was to be handed out, the beaten and battered Ultimate Super Friends crawled into the pit with the poisoned evidence. The villains were stoned and beaten for their attempted murder and were forced to consume the remains of the poison (there was a lot left). The villains were finally let go and told to drive home fast and reckless.

Sunday Hangover Hash

The Super Friends and their new alliance thought they had foiled all of the criminals’ evil plans in the area until they looked into the sky on the final day and saw the Super Friends sky symbol coming from the Jackelope Bar shining on the final cloud of the now tired and beaten nemesis Viva. The alliance now had a new enemy known as Premature E-Whaculaation.

The Friends were distracted by Kracka singing and dancing to a song remembering Joe from the Button Factory while the Pre Whac made his get away. Trying the same tricks as the previous felons, Pre Whac tried to out smart the alliance by putting white powder on the ground in deceiving directions. The alliance was not fooled in the desert, but was confused by the trail that split through Satan’s golf club and the end point of the long run. The Premature E-Whaculaator was apprehended at the exact location that he had fled from.

The Justice League was called in one more time in order to interrogate and reprimand Pre Whac for his wrong doings. Others were punished for various acts such as birthdays, and most importantly the impenetrable “Wall of Piss”. Those who participated were more than happy to receive their penalty since it was well worth it. Hours later (seriously) the final judgment was set and the criminal Whac was sentenced to death by intoxication.

The Super Friends had successfully thwarted all of the villain’s plans and, with the help of the alliance, defeated the evil Hurricane Viva and the world was safe once again.

On - Viva Super Friends - On

Brown Eye Girl

Preface

Friday

Saturday

Sunday Hangover Hash

Super Friends: