Once upon a time there was a Bitch N Hoe that lived in the deep dark pits of the town of the everlasting bird. This Bitch was doomed to live in a small underground cave and was forced by the town’s people to host an event of the inevitable regurge. The Bitch was confused and scared, aware of the mountain of a task in front of her. Her first mission was to find a drink that would not only be great tasting, refreshing, and mind/logic altering, but to find such a drink that when consumed in abundance would make any immortal’s digestive system reverse it’s normal flow. After little deliberation, this fine Bitch determined that a fine mix of hops and barley would accomplish the result that she desired.

With the event fast approaching, Bitch was forced to decide on food, Olympic events, and prizes. Since all of the birds had been hunted and hidden by the town’s people (apparently), she found substance in the wheat growth of the land. Olympic events and prizes were hard to decide at first until the Bitch remembered the beverages that she had made. The events were based on how much and how fast the people could drink the beverage, and the prizes were more of the beverage.

The Bitch prettied up the cave and in her haste forgot to breathe for a week and was unable to speak to those attending the event. Luckily the Bitch had met another woman while they were both receiving their scarlet letters. This ‘shitty’ friend was referred to at the time as “Just” Lisa. Bitch must not have realized how lazy “Just” Lisa was as she refused to get off her ass to explain to the virgins how to properly perform her lay.

As the towns people arrived at the bitches house all but one was very impressed with the barley and hops beverage. The one that disapproved of the drink was known by many as the B and was known for her love of the juices of grapes. All the villagers were given a bag to hold with them in the event of the regurge and were required to inscript their names on the folding container in order to assure the correct spew owner.

The Bitch had set up her first Olympic event miles away from her cave in order to let the children of the village witness the spectacle and learn game strategy from the town’s drinking elite.

The first event was to consume the barley beverage out of a metal cup through a small hollowed tube. Four relay teams were determined by the Bitch and a newly acquired bitch associate. Each team member was required to finish the entire cup of the drink before the next member could start. The first team with all of their beverages gone would be deemed the winner. In the end it was determined that the team that was second to one cheated better that the others and was considered the winner. Villager Ceiling Fan was extremely upset to hear that there was another that was a better cheater than he so he vowed to be a better cheater in all of the following events as well as in life.

The Bitch sent the towns people on a one mile hunt to find the second event only to end up at nearly the exact same site. The new contest consisted of another beverage from a metal cup with a hole and 3 foot piece of tree, tin, or a third light hard material that was described by the one the village people call Happy Birthday FU as cockesque. The purpose of this event was to be the first group to consume the beverage, turn in a circle ten times with the three foot object placed with one end on your head and the other placed on the earth, then run to the other end and give the device to the next teammate. Every team was disqualified but individual awards were given to three dedicated town’s people who correctly performed the task and narrowly missed having their faces replaced by the tree nearby.

Event three was in a location that required the now mind altered Olympians to travel through the other common villagers near the children’s playground and ended at an outdoor auto horse stable. The Olympians started becoming frustrated when the delicious beverage was not readily available upon their arrival. Chants were heard of “Auto Hare Snare”. As the drink arrived the chants subsided and the next event was upon the town’s people. This event was to determine who was worthy of truly becoming part of the town’s drinking elite. Each participant in this event was given an unopened beverage tin, a hole was punched into the tin with a small sword and the participants were told to open the top of the tin and drink as fast as they could. The one who could finish the fastest was the winner. The town’s people were divided into eight divisions and the winners of each division would advance to the next round. All matches were close and the winners were hard to determine until the finals. The final match was between a Brown Eye Girl and a Cunt, in a David vs. Goliath type of match. Unfortunately this time for David, Goliath (Brown Eye) blocked the rock, bitch slapped David, fixed and ate a sandwich, read the village times, corrected the timing on his hour glass, walked his cougar, and still had time to finish his tin faster than David (cunt). A second tin was consumed in celebration and to ensure that there was no form of cheating in the most second most honorable contest of the day.

The setting for the final contest of the day was across the land of a thousand rocks and ended in the green pasture in view of the Olympian’s sworn enemies, those claimed to be in charge of peace and order in the village. The final task was very simple to understand, however, the Bitch was not heard by all of the towns’ people. The Bitch grabbed her megaphone (known to the villagers as Mount N Spread) and most of the towns’ people soon understood. Those that were still having problems were given perfectly executed sign language by the Brown Eye. The task was to drink another tin of the beverage, run to the edge of town and back, and repeat four times. The one known as My Name Is Chuck was in the dominating the other villagers for most of the event. Cumming up hard from the rear in the final moments was the one who Can’t Cum on Saturdays. The one who can’t cum was deemed the winner and given a final tin of the drink.

In the midst of the final event, the grand prize winner was bestowed. In a shameless attempt to steal the thunder from the can’t cummer and ensure the spotlight once again the Brown Eye was able to use his folding container and fill it with his fine regurge. Many could not believe that such a substantial feat could possibly have been accomplished and asked to see the reversed beverage. Those villagers were immediately disappointed in their decision and began to look differently at the Brown Eye. The villagers seemed to be more laughing at him than with him now.

The Olympians were sent back to the cave to enjoy the wheat eats the Bitch had provided. The villagers decided to stand in a circle and enjoy more of the barley beverage. It wasn’t long before the Villagers started telling others to drink more of the drink because of events that happened during the Olympiad. Virgins, returners, and visitors were given the honor of additional beverage. The Brown Eye, The Bush Yakker (who was rumored to have spewn as well), and the Bush Stradler were allowed to consume the largest amount of the beverage due to winning the Grand Prize and getting a shit necklace.

In the two final acts of the night the ‘shitty’ “Just” Lisa was given a name to remember for the villagers for all time. Due to her job which involves fecal matter control whether it be in a hole or not, “Just” Lisa will forever be introducing herself as Who Gives A Shit?. Bush Stradler finished off the day by demonstrating the proper way to give a blow job as suggested by certain women’s magazines.

- Brown Eye Girl